


Where the Tempered Rat Lies

by winlark



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Arson, Bisexual Peter Pettigrew, Bisexual Regulus Black, Canonical Character Death, Death Eaters, Drinking, Drug Use, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Multi, POV First Person, POV Peter Pettigrew, Pegulus, Peter Pettigrew-centric, Polyjuice Potion, Recreational Drug Use, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin Angst, Veritaserum, Young Peter Pettigrew, vaguely canon compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:20:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 11,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29729634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winlark/pseuds/winlark
Summary: First person Peter Pettigrew POV taking place from December 1978-October 1981 detailing how he came to join the death eaters and his eventual betrayal of James and Lily Potter.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black & Peter Pettigrew, Regulus Black/Dorcas Meadowes, Regulus Black/Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Prologue

There are not many things a coward can become. Logistically speaking, his choice when detailed on paper can boil down to two points. He can die a cowards death, faced away from the blade, or he can become the villain.

I was always the villain. I just didn’t know it then.

I think the others knew, they were just too kind to tell me otherwise. There was Remus, so gentle and wise beyond his years despite his affliction. James, so caring and jovial and youthful. Sirius, as wild and tempestuous as the constellation of his namesake. Then there was me. A boy chasing stars with no qualities to claim as his own. I hoped many nights that I might imprint them from my friends, but as the story would go, that would never be the case.

So while I ask not for pity, I do ask for your attention. I did not betray them for my own selfish gains as many have been made to believe.

I betrayed them for him.


	2. Chapter One

There are two types of death eater meetings. The first is informal meetings. They are held at houses of marked members, but they are largely open to attend so long as you have the correct date, time, and are willing to take a single drop of Veritaserum and answer one yes or no question. The second type, which I will get to later, is where the real things happen. Dark, dangerous, and unthinkable things.

But that first night was informal, and I was only there in passing. I hadn’t even wanted to go, if I’m being honest. The thought of setting foot in 12 Grimmauld Place had set me into an episode of sweating and shaking for nearly twenty minuets when Sirius had first asked me. He broached the topic as though it was as simple as popping down to a shop to grab a carton of milk.

“So.” He had said from where he was splayed on the Potter’s couch, one long arm draped over Moony’s shoulders, one delicately holding a smoldering cigarette. “I’m going to need you to go grab my things tonight Wormtail.”

“Your things?” I asked, looking up at him.

“Yes, my things. From my parents house. Just a few odds an ends provided my mother hasn’t had the lot of it binned.”

“You’re asking me to break into your parents house? On Christmas Eve?”

Sirius laughed, then coughed as Remus elbowed him in the ribs. “Sorry mate, no. It seems dear Regulus is home on break and is hosting his first informal. And unfortunately, you’re the best man for the job. Fairly small in stature, nimble on your feet and able to enter rooms unnoticed.”

I stared at him for a long moment, feeling the blood drain from my face. “Why can’t you do it?”

Sirius grinned. “Are you kidding, they’d kill me at the door!”

“Remus?”

Sirius gently ruffled Remus’ hair. “Ah yes, my werewolf lover. Even better! They’d probably hold him hostage and make him into a lovely throw on the full moon.”

I rolled my eyes. “James?”

“Peter.” Sirius said. “It’s you or it’s bust. It’s just a set of rings, okay? You’ll be in and out quicker than quick. Better yet you’ll get a full meal of some of the best food you’ve ever eaten in your life and you’ll have a great story to tell the grandkids about the time that you single handedly crashed a death eater soiree.”

“Fine.” I said. “I’ll do it.”

“Good lad.” Sirius said. And I felt my heart light up with the power of a thousand suns. In those days, it felt as though the world was on a single axis, spinning around Sirius. As much as it scared me, I longed for any little bit of praise, any moment of attention he saw fit to snatch from Remus and bestow upon me instead. I needed his affections more than I needed air, more than I needed anything else in the world. And the moments that he chose to bestow that affection upon me made the heartache that no one would ever look at me the way that he looked at Remus that much easier to stand.

So I tucked my wand neatly into my robes, and with shaking hands I found myself in the fray of something so much more than I thought I would ever be.

“Open your mouth.” The gruff man at the door demanded.

I didn’t fight him, I simply complied, feeling the single drop of Veritaserum slide down my throat.

“Do you wish to harm anyone in this house?” He asked me.

“No.” I answered truthfully.

“Enter.” He said.

And that was that. I was passing through the doors, and into the great roomas though I belonged to these people. All around me, I recognized faces- both those of death eaters I had been warned about and many whom I had seen in passing in the halls of Hogwarts.

“Worm boy!” I heard a familiar voice call.I spun so frantically that I nearly knocked over a house elf making his way through the crowd with a tray of drinks. I tried to apologized, but he simply scoffed and moved on.

“Yes?” I said to none other than Regulus Black.

“So my brothers driven you insane enough that you’ve come to your senses and seen the light. An excellent choice, really. Come, sit by my fire, share my pipe and tell me of his treachery.”

I stared at him mouth agape for a good moment longer than I should have. Much like his older brother, he was oddly and charmingly proper, dressed in crushed velvet robes, his black hair surrounding him like a lions mane. I had combed my own sparse blond hair back, but it felt wrong, greasy though it had just been cleaned, exaggerating my features in a way that was neither flattering nor of the Black family caliber.

And yet he had invited me- me personally- to sit beside him.

“Uh.” I stuttered out. “Uhm I think you have the wrong idea, I’m not really here. I mean, I’m here, here. I’m just not, here. I’m here for the rings. Yeah. Rings, right, two doors up, a plate of food. No, that’s wrong, sorry. Up the stairs, two doors down. Grab the rings, grab a plate of food, go.”

Regulus just chuckled, his laugh lower than his brothers. “So you came for a robbery then. Excellent. Let me help you!”

“Shit. No.”

But it was too late. Regulus had taken me by the arm and was half running me up the stairs. If this was odd behavior, no one seemed to notice or give any sort of care. The party simply went on below, swirling in refracted shards of black, grey, and green.

“Sirius’ room, yeah?”

I nodded, looking behind me to make sure that we hadn’t been followed. It felt dangerous, and I felt as though all the lovely food in the world would seem no better than a rotting carcass if this feeling didn't pass. 

“Good timing, I was planning on torching it later.”

“Oh. Yeah. Wait, I’m sorry, but why are you helping me?”

Regulus laughed again. “Why not worm boy? You made it in, you don’t plan to harm me. Also why do they call you that? Worm boy? That’s actually kind of mean when you think about it.”

“Uh, Wormtail. My friends call me Wormtail.” I corrected.

Regulus shuttered. “Merlin, that’s worse.”

I simply shrugged, trying not to read into his words.

“Well from now on I’m going to call you …. What should I call you? I’m sorry I don’t even know your name, how impolite of me.”

“You can call me Peter.” I offered. “My name, after all.”

Regulus smiled and took a dignified puff from his pipe. “Here we are.” And he opened the door to Sirius’ room.

It was both everything and nothing like I had expected, dark walls slathered with posters and his bed unmade, as if he had just left yesterday instead of having been gone for years now.And yet at the same time it was oddly foreign to the Siriushe had become since moving out. There was no moon chart in this room, no sketches of Remus on his walls. There were not pictures of the two of them taped to the wardrobe or a well worn leather jacket thrown casually across the end of the bed. This Sirius was a familiar stranger in the most comforting way.

“Rings!” Regulus called out. “Why does he want these? They’re worthless if he’s looking for money- they were a present from Andromeda years ago.”

“He didn’t say.”

“And I honestly don’t care.” Regulus closed the distance between us in three easy steps. “Here.” He tucked the rings into my robes, smoothing them back down. If he saw me blush, he didn’t say anything.

We left the room in silence, heading back towards the stairs only this time, there was a woman blocking our way. I would have known who she was even if she didn’t carry the signature House of Black look to her. 

“Bellatrix!” Regulus greeted warmly, embracing her.

“Up to some mischief I see?” She winked at me then. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell.”

“Oh no, I’m a virgin.” I spat out, realizing with a sinking horror what she was implying. 

She laughed then, possibly the most beautiful laugh I had ever heard. It was high and light like a bird song, pleasant on the ears. That was the thing about the Black's- all of them. They were all alluring and feverishly tantalizing in their own way. There was something about them that simply didn't exist beyond their curated world. It was intoxicating as it was addicting, even knowing in the end they knew nothing but how to precisely break every heart that dare beat to the tune of their own. 

“Truth serums got this one all sorts of ways.” Regulus said with a shrug “We were just burglarizing the place.”

“Well it is your first informal, might as well add in debauchery. Say, up for a hit?” She uncorked a small silver bottle and poured a bit of the contents onto the back of her hand, snorting it off. “Well, virgin?”  
“My names Peter.” I offered.

“Well, Peter who my dear cousin sadly did not defile. Care to partake? Non addictive, I promise. It will help wear off the Veritaserum.”

So I did, and the night morphed into a world I had never known existed. And when that night ended, not only was I fed as Sirius had promised,but in my back pocket, I had a delicately scribbled note from Bella herself with the time and date of the next real meeting. And if I was under a spell to say nothing, I didn’t care. Because as guilty as it made me feel, I had felt for the first time in my life not as an outsider, but as someone on the in.


	3. Chapter Two

The month leading up to next meeting seemed to drag on and yet take no time at all. It was the most quiet January I had ever remembered, to the point that the Order was sleepy and sedentary in their duties.We celebrated the new year openly, as if we weren’t in the middle of a bloody war, and then on Dumbledore’s orders we tucked back into our respective parts of the country to await our next set of orders. There was no planning for battle, there was no rallying for support, there was simply the ice cold feeling of knowing that somehow, you are in the middle of a storm you so carefully planned to never be swept into.

Yet my mind remained on that Christmas eve’s night. So I stumbled into the next meeting, this time at the Malfoy Manor, without a single care for Order or Death Eater alike.

“You came.” Regulus said with a wicked grin. He was sat upon the ruin of what must have once been a great stone wall, although it was largely destroyed now.

“Yeah.” I answered lamely. “Why wouldn’t I have come?”

I had taken the Portkey from Greenwich as I had been instructed, and landed somewhere just north of the Manor. Once I had managed to orient myself and realized that I was trekking towards the castle like estate andhad not been brought to a field to be murdered, Regulus had seemingly materialized.

“Ah, you see, my dear cousin started a betting pool on whether or not you would show. She said either you had ratted us out to the order on the pain of your own demise or simply didn’t have the gumption sober to show. I bet heavily against it, of course. You’ve made me a rich man tonight Peter.”

I tried to smile at him, but I could feel the unease sense of nausea washing over me. “Uh, should I go? Do they really want me here? I mean if Bellatrix doesn’t-“

“Hush.” Regulus said, and he put his fingers over my lips, stepping seamlessly into my path and stopping us both. “She wants you here. She just loves a good bit of drama, yeah?”

“Okay.” I squeaked out.

“We’re not evil, you know.” He said, gently brushing his hand away then stepping off again. “I don’t know what the Order must have filled your brain with, but that’s what this is about. It’s about claiming our greatness, our birthright. And yes, some of the things you’ll see here might be, disturbing. But give us a chance and I promise, we will astound you with how generous we are. What the order wants, it’s noble. Anyone in the room we will enter tonight will tell you that. But it’s short sighed. How long until the muggles con on? Until they find a new way to exterminate us? It’s foolish and reckless, and it will be the death of us.”

I didn’t say anything. I just nodded my head. There was little that I did believe in and politics had scared me. Truth be told, the only reason I even associated with the order was that my friends were at it’s very heart. And yet where were they? Coupled off, of course, leaving me standing at the wayside, the spare they could take out and use when the moment suited them.

It felt like ages, but we finally made it to the Manor. The wind had chapped the apples of my cheeks and the backs of my hands so badly that they stung upon entering the stuffy estate. It was far more magnificent than anything I had ever seen in my life, and yet it seemed oddly hollow, as though it was a display and not a place where people actually lived.

“The traitor has made it!” Bellatrix gleamed as soon as we passed through the door. “Lucius you owe Regulus 50 Gallons, clearly he’s not dead.” With a crack she apparated, coming to stand not six inches from me. “Hello love, care for an Elf to take your coat?”

I nodded, and she hugged me, giving me almost no time to shiver out of my coat and gently place it into the arms of an outstretched house elf.

“Oy. Regulus.” She said. “Go get seated, I’ll take good old Pete boy.” And she did, taking my elbow and dragging me into the dining hall. I looked back over my shoulder, but Regulus was already deep in conversation with another death eater.

“Is this going to hurt?” I asked Bella.

“Probably not.” She said with a shrug, pulling a seat for me then herself.

“I mean, what do you all want with me? Because I don’t know enough to-ow!” She kicked my shin.

“Shhh. He’s coming. When he enters, you stand, and you bow. Okay?”

“Okay?” I replied “Who…” But I knew who. From the other side of the hall, Lord Voldemort entered. He wore a set of dazzling deep green robes that swirled around him like a pit of frenzied vipers. I felt my chair shoot out from under me and my back hunch forward, although if I did it myself I ddi not recall.

“Friends!” He called, his voice deep and booming. “Friends you may you sit! I will not keep you from your feast long, but first, some orders of business. It seems we have a new member in our ranks, is that so?”

“That’s you.” Bella whispered.

I felt the sweat start to bead on the back of my neck.

“Peter Pettigrew? Are you here?”  
“Yes.” I said, unsure if I should stand or sit.

“Come here my boy! Come here! I hear such wonderful things about you. Such delicious, wonderful things. That is why you are here, even without a mark or marked family to claim you, come and let me behold you!”

I stood up on shaking legs and began to walk towards him, wondering all the while if this is how I would die.

The hall was silent, expect for one man who cleared his throat loudly. I hadn’t seen him when I walked in. Of course, I knew that he was amongst him.

“Excuse me for my interruption, my Lord, but I fear for your safety.” Severus Snape chimed lazily.

“Oh Severus.” Voldemort said. “Have you really so little faith in me that you think I’d let him in if I thought he was a threat?”

“My lord I beg of you. I know on good authority that he is of The Order. He is the humble servant of Dumbledore, the friend of blood traitors, werewolves, and mudbloods alike. If you’d so like, I could put him out of his misery right-“

“Severus do not forget yourself. He is a guest and will be treated as such. Come here Peter, I don’t intent to hurt you.” There was something about his voice, something dark, yet trustworthy.

I complied, and when I reached him, I bowed again.I had no clue if it was the right thing, but I figured it might buy me a few more moments if this went south.

“Tell me Peter, why do you join us tonight?”

“I…” I really didn’t know why I was there, but then I recalled Regulus’ words. “I don’t want Wizards to go extinct, my lord.”

He gave a hearty laugh, and I was worried for a moment that I had misspoken.

“Do you deny that you once associated with mudbloods and blood traitors?”

“No.”

“Then there is no problem here. We all learn, we all grow. It is but in our evolution. We can hardly blame the youth, their heads filled with fairytales and false promises.Go take your seat and enjoy your meal. I am sure you will make fast friends here Peter Pettigrew.”

I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I willed myself to walk back to my seat and not faint out of sheer and reckless euphoria that I was somehow still alive.

Bella winked at me. “Good job. See, you’re going to be well alright here.”

And I believed her.

The food appeared much as it had on the tables at Hogwarts, only the spread was more impressive and varied. There were game meats I had never tried, and deserts that looked as though they were sculpted by the gods themselves. I ate as though I was an endless pit, and when I felt as though I could have no more I ate an extra plate for good measure.

“Now now.” Voldemort said as the last of the plates were cleared from before us. “To the point of our meeting, Lucius if you would please.”

The man with the long blond hair that Bella had chided earlier stood up briskly, bowed to Voldemort and made haste to the other room. From there he returned, with two bodies levitated above his head. They were grotesque in every way, unnaturally thin with their faces askew in masks of pain, though they did not blink or move.

I wanted to ask if they were still alive, but I thought better of it.

“To business.” Voldemort said, glancing lazily up at the two. “All unmarked and those under 19 may leave. Goodbye.”

Bellatrix shot me a look, and Regulus as well as several others stood. He motioned for me to follow him into the hallway, which I did feeling more sure of myself.

“Why did he kick us out?” I asked plainly once the doors shut firmly.

“Dunno. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. He’s not big on the child soldier thing, believe it or not. He rarely lets us in on the real action. It’s the little things, important, but little.”

“But we’re not children.” I protested.

“He wants a strong generation, he doesn’t want the order picking us off like we do them.”

I stopped in my tracks. “That’s not…” But I didn’t know what it wasn’t.

Regulus stared at me for a moment. “The last time I saw my brother, he was throwing curses at my cousin. And you know what? He would have killed her if he could. Seventeen years old, and he was ready to kill his own family. I don’t know what’s heroic about that.”

I mulled that over. “I just wish there wasn’t a war.”  
“Well soon there won’t be.” Regulus retorted. “Soon there won’t be a witch or wizard who has to hide who they are. Soon there will be so many students at Hogwarts that they’ll have to build a second castle. Children will learn the old ways, the correct ways, and we will have the golden age that we deserve Peter. Look at these paintings. The suffering the world is enduring now is just to make them proud. Once the world turns over, there will be paintings like this in every home, and every witch or wizard of blood will be treated like the royalty we are. There will be no class among us, no petty tidings. There will only be the ruling class, as it should have been since the dawn of time.”

We had stopped in the middle of one of the winding halls, and indeed, although I had not noticed before, the entire wall was canvased with moving portraits of witches and wizards. This was of course the Malfoy’s personal collection, but I couldn’t help but be swept up in how regal they all looked.

“It’s beautiful.” I admitted. And though it may have been my imagination, I could have sworn I felt Regulus’ fingers brush up against my own, a whisper of a story that would never be told.


	4. Chapter Three

In two days time, I know why we were asked to leave the room. Not only has the London attack made the Daily Prophet, but it’s also made the muggle news. Three deaths, in what was covered up to be faulty wiring in a building not up to code.

There was a pit in my stomach, although because of what I was unsure.Regulus’ words had made so much sense- they had alight something in me that was dormant.Then I heard the unmistakable cracking sound outside my flat, and my door caving inwards with such force had I not known better I would have thought it was giants.

Instead it was Sirius and Remus, crashing into my kitchen with wild bewilderment. Without words Sirius wrapped his arms around me, and Remus followed suit.

“We thought we lost you.” He finally said. “Shit, we thought you were dead wormy. The attack…”

I pulled back from both of them then, wiggling myself free. “Yeah I heard. It was further down from here, I should have wrote, is everyone…” I knew the deaths would have been reported in the Prophet, but I had the sinking suspicion that this was about to become a very dangerous game.  
“Everyone is fine.” Sirius said. “Shaken, but fine. It was an attack on muggles, not order members.. Everyone was accounted for- everyone but you, and we just thought maybe they had gotten you or something.”

There was another loud crack, thenJames. “PETER!”His eyes were rimmed with red and looked weary behind his glasses. “You’re okay mate? You’re okay?”

“Yeah, I was just telling Sirius and Remus, sorry I didn’t write.”

“It’s nothing.” James assured him. “Dangerous times, I probably wouldn’t have written either. I told Dumbledore it was too close for comfort, but he’s not willing to move you quite yet, but if you need to, you can come stay with Lily and I for a while, I doubt it’s that big of a deal.”

“Thanks.” I said, before remembering myself. “Uh, sorry I’m just not myself right now. Tea?”

“Yeah.” James and Sirius said in unison. I turned to put on a kettle, but Moony was already on it, fetching biscuits from the cupboards and setting out mugs. I was struck then in a way I had never been. He was muggle about the way he did things.Not once in the entire process did he take out his wand, nor utter a spell. He simply went about it in a way that was so boring, so ordinary.

“We’re magic mate.” I said, and almost instantly regretted the words, although he clearly thought I was joking.

“Have you really gotten so content on your own that you can’t put on a kettle or open a cupboard?” Remus tested. “Honestly Peter I expected better, we’ll come visit more mate if you’re that lonely that you need to create the fantasy of a house wife.”

“Or house husband!” Sirius chimed in from the sofa.

“No.” Remus agued. “House husbands are useless.”

“Agreed.” James said. “I’ve seen the state of your two’s flat. Disgusting! As soon as the wars over I am personally finding you a house elf or something.”

“It’s not that bad!” Remus protested. “The teas never burnt and supper is always on time.

“James’ has a point.” Sirius said, cramming a whole biscuit into his mouth. “I’m useless and you trash the place once a month. It’s a wolfs den.”

Remus rolled his eyes and went back to pouring the tea.

“Didn’t you have a house elf?” I asked Sirius.

“Kreacher?” Yeah he’s the family’s. Hope I never inherit him, useless git I’d rather feed him to Remus than have to listen to him for a bloody second. Worst elf I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.”

“If you feed me a house elf I’m leaving you.” Remus said, although his words held no wait. He carried the teas over two at a time, and only then did I realize that there was a ring on his finger. I stared at it quizzically. 

“You two?” I asked looking from him to Sirius.

Sirius shrugged and looked to Remus.

“It’s not what you think exactly.” Remus said, with a blush creeping up his neck. “It’s just a promise.”

The conversation screeched to a halt, and I knew not to push it further. I could feel the heat creeping up my neckas it so often did. Of course, that’s why Sirius had wanted the rings, it made perfect sense. But it also hurt, in a way that was indescribable. It was as if my heart was contracting too hard on each pump, causing a dull pain in my chest.

“Excuse me for a second lads.” I said, and walked towards my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. Much to my luck, the flat’s bathroom was within my own room and not in the living area, so it made my haste less intriguing.

I grabbed a pen and quill from my desk, and I wrote in sloppy letters.

“Dear Regulus,

I hope this letter reaches you well. I have news of your brother that I wish to share as I think it is important information in the plight of our cause. If you would be so kind as to reply with a time and place where we can meet, I would be most obliged.

Yours Truly,

Peter.”

I folded the letter, and handed it gently to the owl James had loaned me two months prior. Soundlessly as I could I opened the window, and sent him off, my fingers already itching for a reply.


	5. Chapter Four

Dear Peter,  
I hope my letter finds you in good health. I have been chosen for a mission and would much enjoy your company and to hear about the scandals of my deranged brother. If you would so kindly meet me at the house which we burglarized in a weeks time, I would forever be in your debt. There is much that I wish to tell you that is not safe to do by owl, and I hope you will find it as exciting as I do.  
Kindly,  
RAB

PS: Please do not feel as though you are being intrusive. He was much delighted when I offered up your name to join me and said that he “cannot wait to make use of your talents for our noble cause.” 

PPS: BL would like me to tell you that she sends her utmost affections and has started a bet as to when you will receive your most permanent status. Only two people have bet that such a test of loyalty will kill you and there are three votes in your favor that it will be within the years time. If you are unsure what this means I will be happy to explain during our next rendezvous.


	6. Chapter Five

I was early to our meeting place, but to my surprise Regulus was already waiting for me. I don’t know why it shocked me- after all, he lived there.But the gesture felt special in it’s own way, something that Sirius, James, or even Remus would never think to do of their own accord.

“Peter!”He said cheerfully. “I missed your company.”

I felt redness creep up my cheeks, but oddly I did not feel inclined to hide it.

“Hello Regulus.” I said. He leapt up from the steps and warmly embraced me.

“Now tell me that gossip about my brother.”

So we talked and I told him about the rings, and how I had the sinking suspicion even though Sirius had not said it, that he had over the winter holiday asked Remus to marry him. At that Regulus made a face.

“He wants to marry the werewolf? Are you sure?”

“They were both wearing rings.” I said, my shoulders slumping.

“Remus is going to be in for a nasty shock when my brother shows his true colors. He’ll get board like he does with everything. Anyways, no wizard in their right mind would marry them either.”

“Because they’re gay?” I asked, my voice catching.

“No.” Regulus made a face. “Werewolf. No one’s going to dirty their hands with that, they’d have to be mad.”

I nodded my head in agreement with him. “So what are we doing?”

Regulus broke from the topic of his brother quicker than a storm rolling in off the coast. “Ah, right, our mission. Easy as cake, we’re going to Cornwall to root out some sympathizer families- nothing too harsh, just those who feel kinship to the Order but do not belong. Grab some hair and we’re good to go.”

“We’re making polyjuice potion?” I asked. I had never been good at potions.

“Nope. Just collecting hair. Sneaking into houses in the dead of night like the thieves we are are stealing locks of hair from hair brushes.”

“We’re breaking and entering?”

He laughed. “No. We’re going round for tea. Your face will put them at ease and my charm will lull them into such a sense of well being that when I nip into the bathroom after a cuppa, they won’t even know what hit them when I take some hair off their brush.”

I paused for a moment, taking this in. “What if I said I could do you one better?”

Regulus raised an eyebrow at me. We regarded each other for what seemed like several moments that could stretch into infinity if we allowed them to. He was not harsh in the way he looked upon me. In the time that I knew him, I never knew him to be harsh. Simply inquisitive. That was the difference between Sirius and him- Sirius was a boiling anger poured into the most deadly storm while Regulus was the eye of it. Even though everything outside of him was chaos, he was always calmly and collectedly the most elegant creature in the room.

“We’d need to go inside.” I said. “I can’t do it on the street, people might see.”

Regulus looked me up and down. “Does it involve either one of us getting naked?”

“No.” I said earnestly.

“Pity.” He said, and led me inside.

The house was darker and more damp than the last time I had been there. The life of the party had seemingly burned out along with the last embers of the fire place. It not only held a peculiar chill, but it also felt like the heart of a moor on the worst day of winter. I rubbed my hands together, musing if I might have been warmer outside.

“Sorry.” I said. “Performance anxiety.”

“Are you quite sure we don’t need to get naked? I would, in solidarity of course.”

I rolled my eyes at him, quickly forgetting myself. How easy it was to fall into the same patterns of my old friends, and that was more disturbing that the double truth I was living.

“Right. Here we go.”

And I transformed. I felt myself growing smaller and smaller, the world ballooning around me. Years of practice had made it so that I could land neatly on my feet, mid stride. The others had always had it so much easier than me. Remus of course had the most painful transformations, but once he was a wolf he was inherently the most powerful thing in the room. James and Sirius on the other hand were both tall enough that they seemed to neatly fold into their forms whereas I had to scramble for mine.

“Shit, you’re a proper Animagus!”

I scampered around his legs, gently grabbing ahold of his trousers and using the fabric to bring myself up to his shoulder. There was an art to doing this without scratching the person, and as the designated watch I had taken many a turn on Sirius’ shoulder as he was the bravest in delivering me to the small crevices where I could see but not be caught by teachers. The thing most often overlooked about being a rat was that unlike a dog or a stag, I could navigate the castle undetected and without suspicion.

Regulus looked far younger than he was in that moment, and I had the sudden realization that while he might already be seventeen, he was not finishing his last year out at Hogwarts. Smoothly I scampered back down, and transformed myself back.

“I have so many questions.” He started. “First, you’re not registered, right? No you can’t be- you’re barely 18- there hasn’t bee time to learn all that and register yourself. Second…”

“Regulus.” I interrupted him. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“I…” He faulted, looking at the ground. “I didn’t want to go back. I begged, actually. And Lord Voldemort said that should I be willing to do some non dangerous tasks, that I could defer the last half of my final year until the wars over. It’s going to be soon you know. We have almost everything we need.”

I took a gentle step back from him. “But your N.E.W.T.S?”

Still refusing to meet my eye, he scoffed. “We won’t need them in the new world. It’s just there to weed the weak mudbloods out or something- we’ll have something newer, better.”

I didn’t know if I quite believed him, but I didn’t push the matter further.

“To Cornwall.” Was all I could think to say.


	7. Chapter Six

Dear Sirius,  
I am writing to inform you that I believe I have been made by a dark wizard. I saw him prowling outside my window several nights ago but was unable to raise an alarm when it occurred. I have temporarily moved to the countryside and will keep to shadows and the rat burrows for the time being. Please send all my love to Lily, James, and Remus. You are my dearest friends in this harsh world and I do not want to inflict any chaos upon you. I shall write when I know I am safe.  
-Peter

Dear Peter,  
I hope you are well. I have told Dumbledore of your whereabouts and have alerted the others to the potential for mischief. He has posted several order members on watch for your safety but agrees that it is not wise to return at this time with the last attack being so close. Please stay safe my friend. We are sending our love.  
-Sirius.


	8. Chapter Seven

Cornwall was precisely both what I needed and what I came to loathe. I had spent little time there in my life, but I had fond memories as a child being brought to Land’s End and standing on the edge of the cliffs. It was there that my mother would claim she knew I would be a gifted wizard, because I would take several steps off the edge and hover there, the surrounding muggles oblivious to my shenanigans. I never believed my mother, because I never remember feeling that brazen, but it was a story that warmed me none the less.

What however, was not warming was the constant hours spent as a rat. I had done it before, of course. But Regulus insisted that I ride in the pocket of his blazer, and the motion occasionally made me sick to my stomach- an odd conundrum given the fact that rats are unable to vomit.

We had a pattern through. Regulus would knock on the door ever so polite and charm his way into a cuppa under the guise of a poor wizard boy who was simply trying to find his way in a war torn world. Once the family was thoroughly distracted I would gently slip out of his pocket and make my way through the house until I was able to find some hair. Upon the discovery, I would gently return to Regulus’ side, shimmying into the back of his shoe as to not be detected.

Then we would leave, and once safe I would transform back and we would carefully label our spoils and send them back post haste via owl.In the night time we would retire to whatever accommodations we could find- which often meant we slept under a leaky roof with two thin straw beds as neither of us were savvy enough to carry muggle money.

Then one night, seemingly as quickly as it had begun, Regulus spoke the words that ultimately would shatter my heart. “We’re being summoned back to London.”  
“Oh.” Was all I could say. “So soon? We have at least twenty who we can contact in Devon, and that’s just right on the other side of Cornwall.”

“Already done apparently. We head back at first light.”

We sat in silence for a few minuets, until Regulus, possibly with one too many sips of Fire Whiskey in his system took his thin three bare bed and pushed it up against my own.

“What?” I shrunk back into the wall, but he seemed to pay no notice. “Tell me about the muggle things? Please?”

“Uhm.” I felt like I was going to choke on my words. “I really don’t know.”

“You took Muggle Studies.” Regulus protested.

“I…wait how did you know I took Muggle studies?”

“My brother.” He answered defensively. You him and James all took it. According to him, for Remus and Lilys sake. So muggle expert, tell me about muggles.”

“Okay. First, Fire Whiskey please.”

He produced a flask that I didn’t know he had been carrying. I took a deep drink. “First thing we have is a car. They don’t fly, so they use something called a car to get around.”

“Boo!” Regulus taunted. “I know what a car is. I’m a pureblood, not an idiot.”

“Right. Sorry.” I took a smaller sip then handed him the flask.

“How about the function of a rubber duck?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.

“A what?”  
“A rubber duck. Muggles use it as sort of a decoy- they believe it can keep evil spirits out of the bath. Oh! And instead of owls- they assign people the job of delivering the post.”

“That’s barbaric! What if someone read it?”

“I think they secretly employ wizards to erase their memory or imperius them so no one does. What a horrible life though, living at the post like a common owl. I personally would need my memory wiped every night.”

Regulus leaned forward. “So the post people don’t live in houses?”

“I’m afraid not.” I said. “How else do they get everything delivered on time?”

Regulus thought on this and drained the rest of the flask. “Tell me something else.”

“Oh, Televisions!”

“I think I’ve heard of those.”

“It’s stolen magic really. They had a camera that enchants and captures a moment without the user having to actually cast a spell on it.And everyone has one and no one questions it.”

“Shit.” He said. “We really do need to stop the muggles.”

“It’s ludicrous what they're allowed to get away with.”

Regulus broke into a fit of laughter thatI couldn’t help but join in on. He mimed a few different takes on muggles, and I cheered him on. For that moment I almost forgot about ow Sirius use to pull me in like this and how it was his jokes that kept me spinning on an axis. But in seeing the similarity between brothers, I withdrew.

“You okay?” He asked.

“Yeah.” I lied. “Just a bit light headed and tired. You mind if we head off to bed.”

“Yeah of course,nox.” And the lights went out. I became acutely aware that he did not move his bed back, but I was too afraid that if I was to bring it up, it would cease to exist all together. That he would turn, just as his brother always had,and be ready to leap into the arms of another. The familiar pang of jealously gnawed at my stomach, and I felt red hot guilt, creep up into my cheeks. I was the worlds biggest fool. I had fallen out of the orbit of one Black brother only to be swept up into the next passing star.

“Goodnight Peter.” He said.

I did not sleep that night. Instead I stayed up listening to his gentle rhythmic breathing inches away from me, and hearing the irregular beat of my own heart.


	9. Chapter Eight

We arrived in London, and I had never felt like such a stranger. Almost as soon as we touched down, there was Bellatrix and a man I had not met, pulling Regulus inside as though he was some sort of animal. He looked back at me with a faltering smile, but he did not speak. Instead, unsure of where I should go, I loitered in the halls of 12 Grimmauld Place as though I was a ghost of some unknown past.

“It’s nice here, neat. I like it.” The strange man had appeared beside me. He was wholly handsome, though riddle with wild ticks, one that included his tongue shooting out of his mouth ever so often. I wondered briefly if he had ever been cursed, but I decided it best not to ask.

“Yes.” I simply agreed. “The black family is quite magnificent.”

He laughed, harsh and hallow. “What ones got your tongue then? There like vultures, the lot of them, can’t trust a single one but Merlin are they beautiful. They’ll break your heart.” He mimed a crushing motion. “Break it like glass. And you’ll like it and you’ll thank them for it even when it ruins you. It’s the same with all these families. Families kind of overrated don’t you think, Peter?”

I jumped at him using my name. I told myself to breathe, he was a friend here, but he still put me on edge. I thought for a second what Sirius might say, and I composed myself accordingly. “I dunno, family’s not so bad when you get to chose it. I’m sorry, I don’t think I know your name?”

“Barty.” He said, extending his hand and shaking mine with great vigor.

What happened next was nothing of which I expected. He drew his wand so quickly that I barely had time to react. In seconds I was on the floor, writhing in the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.

“Never trust anything.” He said, and the pain ceased. I heaved, and the contents of my breakfast spilled onto the floor, but Barty was already waving his wand, the pile of sick disappearing with ease. “Get up. This is your first lesson, boy. You have got to get up.”

Through shaking hands I did my best to glare at him. “You just used a bloody unforgivable curse on me!”

He smiled. “I did. And the order will do the same. You were one of them once, now you’re one of us. Don’t think for a second they won’t hesitate to hurt you or even kill you. They are dangerous folks.”

Once again, my body seized and was riddled with blinding hot pain. I screamed and I swore but nothing brought relief.After what felt like an eternity, the pain stopped once more, and Barty was by my side, helping me up and offering me some water. “That’s going to need a bit of work, yeah. So what we’re going to do is I’m going to curse you again, and you’re going toeither stun me, or fight your way out of the curse, do you think you can do that?”

No. I thought. No I cannot. But he was up on his feet, and the torture started again.

“EXPELIARMUS!” I heard, and the pain stopped. I rolled over, groaning, only to see Regulus striding towards us. “Have you lost your damn mind?” He inquired coldly.

Barty simply shrugged. “Someone has to teach him.”

“Not like that. We have other uses for him.” Regulus looked pale, and he shook but whether with fear or anger I was unsure. “We need him intact for what’s to come next.”

“What?” Barty said. “I left him in working order.”  
“You used the bloody cruciatus curse on him! That hardly counts as intact?”

Barty rolled his eyes, mocking Regulus. By some miracle I was able to push myself to my feet.“I’m okay.” I said to Regulus. “And he’s right. Kind of. Bad execution, but he’s right, you know it. I’ll be a walking target if I ever get a mark.”

Regulus chest rose and fell, and for a moment I thought he would strike Barty.

“Please?” I said stepping towards Regulus.

He turned coldly, suddenly scarily composed in only the way that a member of the most Nobel and Ancient House of Black could manage. “We need to use you as bait. You’ll be dictated what to write. An order member has taken six of our own, and he must pay for that. After that you’ll go back to the order for a time, and when we’re ready we will contact you with further orders.”

“But I want to stay here.” I protested.

“You will do as you are told.” Was all that he said, before turning and walking back down the hallway, looking more like his brother than I had ever seen him look before. 


	10. Chapter Nine

Dear Dumbledore,   
I wish I was writing under better circumstances, however our worst fears have been realized. I believe my capture is immediate, and though I will likely not survive, I have sent you the coordinates via a separate owl so that my body may properly be laid to rest. I am so sorry to bring this upon the order, but I do believe that I have found some information worth sharing. It is stored in a memory I have extracted, and it’s location will be revealed in the third owl. Should I be correct and my demise be imminent, please split what little belongings I have between my friends and send them my well wishes. I do not have time to write them so please pass my message on in haste.  
Kindly,   
Peter.

Peter,  
If you are alright, please reply. If not, I will be sending Order members to the location you provided. I am sorry I could not keep you safer.  
-Dumbledore.

Peter,   
I believe you have been severely compromised and we are coming for you as I write.   
-Dumbledore.


	11. Chapter Ten

I laid stunned on the ground, although Barty had planned it to the tiniest motion. He promised that I would be safest there, and I believed him. It wasn’t until I was unable to move, curses flying about me that I realized how much danger I was in. I willed the animagus change, although it would not come to my beaten and defeated body.

A body hit the floor next to me, although I couldn’t see who it was, I prayed that it wasn’t a friend. I heard Sirius, and then Regulus matched in an equally distressing battle of whit and curse. I tired to reach out back towards Regulus, however I was still unable to move. He shouldn’t be here, but I knew they would have had a hard time keeping him down and away from a fight with his brother.

Suddenly there were hands around me, yanking me to my feet. _Remus._ I realized with some relief that I couldn’t place. Sirius joined back up with us, throwing curses over both of our heads as though they were easy to throw as charms.

“Peter!” Sirius said as he deflected a dangerously close jet of green. “Long time no see friend! Glad you’re not dead!”

All I could do was nod my head and bury it into Remus, who had his wand drawn. He shuffled us towards the door, only to be hit by a stunning spell. Sirius roared, snapping back around, the killing curse leaving his tongue neatly, as though it took no effort at all.

I stared at him, shocked to my very core and looked around wildly,I couldn’t see Regulus, and I was filled with a sense of dread in that moment.

“Sirius your brother was here.” I said, wincing as I helped heave Remus up and exit through the door.

“I know.” Was all he said.

“Did you….” I couldn’t finish the sentence, I wouldn’t let myself finish the sentence.

“Bloody hell no!” Sirius said. He gently put Remus down, and kissed his forehead. “Stay with him, when he comes to both of you get out of here, I have unfinished family business and a few cousins to maim.”

“Sirius wait! Please!” I shouted. “Sirius you can’t leave me with him. I can’t.”

Sirius scowled. “Why not?”

“I can’t do this!” I said. “I am terrified every hour of every day and then I nearly go and get myself blown up! You take your bloody boyfriend and you get him to safety, because I quit! I quit all of it!”

That time, the change took. I was in my rat form, faster than he could protest and scampering through the streets of London, trying desperately not to get run over. I ran and I ran until my small legs gave out, and then I crawled into the first gutter I could find with hopes that a cat wouldn’t get me first.

I had betrayed the order, and I had gone against the wishes of the death eaters. A dangerous sort of magic was humming within me, the kind that was not betrayed by anxiety or loyalty.

When I had slept, I shifted back, and found a few scraps or parchment and managed to snag an owl from an old drunk wizard.

Dear Dumbledore,

I am fine. I just need time to myself. As it would so turn out being in the order is not for me, I cannot bare to see my friends in such danger.

Kindly.

Peter.

I fell between man and rat in that next week. Owl after owl would find me regardless, all with messages from Dumbledore ranging from sympathy to demanding I come home, so that the others could care for me. And yet, I couldn’t remove from my mind how easily the death curse had slipped from Sirius’ lips, and how naturally killing had come to him. There were no good guys in this fight, there was only different perception of what shade of blood the world was to be painted in.


	12. Chapter Eleven

Dear Peter,  
Please let me know that you are alright. We have it on good authority that the order does not know of your whereabouts and I have become very worried. None of your friends were hurt in the skirmish, although we did manage to take down two order members in the secondary location. I am fine, although a bit sore from where my brother hit me with a stunning spell. You don’t have to come home if it is too stressful for you, however I would greatly appreciate it if you would at least send me a note telling me that you are okay. I don’t need a lot, I just can’t sleep knowing that something might have happened to you due to my brusk words.

No one here is mad at you and no one expects you to go back to The Order. They are a bunch of murderous, treasonous bastards anyways and it does not stand to reason with them. The higher ups are quite pleased with your bravery and are wanting to welcome you back into the fold. Should you wish to return but not to me, please go to any location of any death eater. They will provide you shelter and food as it is our duty to protect those who serve with us.

Again, I am sorry. I miss your company and I hope that you might find the kindness if your heart to bestow your smile and wit upon me once more. I find myself ever lonely since we’ve left Cornwall, and I know there are many adventures ahead of us. Please write back.

Yours Truly,  
RAB


	13. Chapter Twelve

I was a rat the night that I returned. I slipped into the house, unnoticed and scurried up the stairs to find an ample hiding spot. In all honesty, I had no plans of changing back then or ever- I had reserved myself to the fact that being a rat forever couldn’t be nearly the punishment I had made it out to be in my head. In many ways, I had convinced myself, it would be freeing to be a rat and never have to worry about war or death again.

But the part of the equation that I had overlooked was that Regulus was not a fool. He saw me, and good or bad I was not a blind spot in his mind as I was to the rest of the world.

“Peter.” He said. “You can come out. I might be drunk on wine but I haven’t lost my mind, yet.”

I shifted back into myself, sheepishly shedding the only skin that offered me any sort of protection.

“Hello.” I said.

He smiled a great big smile and looked me up and down. “Looking a little ragged, are we?”

I normally would have blushed, but there was such an ease to the way he said it, that I couldn’t find it in myself to care. “A bit.”

“Find something in the closet and I’ll tailor it to you.” Regulus said. He waved his wand in a lazy arc and the doors sprung open, I looked at him for approval and then walked in, wondering how on earth any of this was going to fit me. It was the very definition of opulence, with shimmering ruby shades of velvet and robes fit for a wizard king. I ran my hands over them, seeing if any matched my pallor. Regulus like his brother was a great deal taller and slimmer than I was. Even then I had a slightly protruding stomach not unlike a rat, and was shaped in a way that was not flattering of most garments.

“Reg.” I stated. “I don’t think anything is going to fit. You’re slim and I’m…”

I heard him laugh. “I said I’ll tailor it. How many times do I have to tell you, I’m rich, not stupid. I can work a tailoring spell alright, just pick something.

“What if I pick something you like?”

“well I hope it’s something I like, it’s in my closet.”

I sighed. “But what…”

“Peter it doesn’t matter, I have loads of clothes, more than I can ever wear. Pick something and let’s get you out of those rags, okay?”

I obliged, and picked a midnight blue set of robes, emerging from the closet gripping them tightly.

“Undress.” He commanded. And I did. I stripped off theold torn clothes and shimmied into the robes the best I could. As I predicted, the armsand hem were far too long and it was tight, although not unbearably so, along the torso. He walked up to me, wine bottle in one hand, wand in the other and got to work.

He was right that he was quite a good tailor. He moved swiftly, altering the garment as though he was as natural to him as breathing, and then stepped away to admire his work.

“Now you look proper. Come here.” And he reached out, drunk on wine and drunk on the moment, and kissed me. I stretched up onto my toes to make the height difference less awkward and in the process bit his lower lip. I blushed crimson- I had never kissed anyone before and as it turned out I wasn’t very good at it.

“Just relax.” He breathed, gently setting down the wine and putting his wand back into his robes so that he could cradle my face in his hands. His left thumb traced circles on my jaw line as he kissed me again. This time I tried to not be as aggressive, but it was still difficult to discern between lips and teeth.

With the bit of courage I had, I maneuveredhim backwards towards the chair, further equalizing the height difference. It was less frightening, kissing him when our heads were at the same level. He sank down, pulling me with him. I felt both a weightlessness I had never experienced, and the sudden feeling that my very core was on fire.

“That's better.” He mused. “I’ve wanted to do this since Cornwall.”

I didn’t reply, I only kissed him again. Then something struck me that I have never to this day forgiven myself for.

Sirius crossed my mind in a flash of shame. The times that I had thought about kissing him, just like this, came forefront. The way that they looked just similar enough, that I almost could pretend that I was kissing Sirius, and not his brother. It had been a source of shame for me for so many years that now that I was kissing someone so like him, I couldn't stop the recklessness of my thoughts.

But for every time that I walked in on him snogging Moony and felt the dejecting pain surge through me, for every time that I saw him bite his lip and felt the blood pooling below my stomach, I had never imagined it would feel like this. For all of Sirius' rough edges, Regulus was a softer creature. I had often studied the way that Sirius kissed Remus, and it was nothing like this. They were all passion, a star exploding and taking a galaxy with it. Whereas Regulus was a blackhole unto himself, a lulling force dragging everything in with it's sweet siren song.

He pulled back abruptly then, his eyes going cold. It dawned on me then that perhaps my thoughts weren’t as guarded as I thought them to be and that Regulus might have a bit more talent in Legilimency than I had thought.

“Right." He said. “Of course.”

“I can-“

“No. No I get it well enough,” He pushed me aside, although he was not rough, and stood, adjusting his pants and running his fingers through his hair. “I mean I get it, you knew him first. He’s older, more experienced with men, of course you’d want to be with my brother.”

“I don’t.” I pleaded with him. “Please Regulus. Please, I don't want to be with him, I didn’t mean it. Not like that. You just have to understand, I’ve never…I’ve never been with anyone. I never thought anyone would want me!”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “Perhaps we can continue this little scandal when you stop comparing me to my brother.”

“Regulus.” I cried. “Forgive me.”

But he was already gone, the bedroom door slamming shut behind him.


	14. Chapter Thirteen

There was not a single night that went by that I did not dream of him. He took many forms, sometimes cruel, sometimes tempestuously shifting between himself and his brother,but I knew in my my heart who I wanted. In these dreams I was never clothed, barred before him like a sacrifice, though he paid no mind. He simply moved around me as though I didn't exist, as though I was not willing to wash my soul before him and tell him the preciseness of my sins. 

In my waking hours, I found myself in the household of Barty Crouch Jr. I had fallen to his doorstep that fateful night and begged him to train me, to make me something useful and much to the joy song of my broken heart, he complied.

“Nasty.” He had said to me. “Getting caught up with a Black. They’re sinister I tell you, and they only know how to break hearts, so it’s best to let them stick together. Not their fault I suppose, their bloodline is old and pure as they come, and you know what that means…” He wiggled his eyebrows, although I didn’t need an explanation. I knew well as any that line breeding still took place in the most ancient families and that Sirius and Regulus parents had been cousins.

“What does that do?” I asked Barty. “To a person?” I couldn’t help but think about how Regulus had been in my mind- or at least skimming the surface of it. Regardless that was advanced magic, and as far as I knew, he hadn’t been purposefully done it.

“Dunno.” Barty said as he threw a curse at me. “Makes ‘em stronger, but makes ‘em mad as the devil too. You won’t find a stronger witch or wizard than one that comes from Nobel lines. It’s why you don’t want any of the mudblood getting it- it weakens us until over time, we cease to be.”

I hurled something of a blasting spell back at him, and was surprised when it nearly unsteadied his footwork.

“Good.” He said. “You like blasting spells, do you?”  
I hadn’t really thought of it, but I always had an affinity for such things. Blasting spells were much like me- unrefined and simplistic in their magical makeup, but with something more sinister hiding belief. “I guess.”

“We can work with that.” He said, hitting me with a leg lock jinx. I fell forward, feeling my face smash into the hardwood floor and wondering how badly my lip was split from the impact. He quickly uttered the counter spell, then pulled me to my feet.

“Again.” He said.

The issue was I didn’t want to go again. My body ached with the hundreds of times that he had hit me, and the most I had been able to make him scramble back a few steps. I was weak, and it made me loathe myself all the more. How pitiful did I have to be that someone not even trying could see the contents of my mind? How stupid did I have to be that the only spell I could produce with half hearted certainty was a blasting spell?  
“No.” I said. “I’m done.”

“You’re done when I say you’re done. Get up, and we go again.”

“No.” I repeated, only to be hit with a searing amount of pain. I fought my way free, pushing to my feet. “I don’t think you heard me!” I taunted, realizing I sounded more like Sirius or James than myself. “I said we are done here.”  
And the room exploded.

Barty was knocked backwards, yet when he hit the ground, he was already laughing with delight. “Good on ya.” He said, pulling himself to his feet. “Oh that was good.”

I was breathing hard, my chest rising and falling such that it felt like it might break. I had never felt like this, so unhinged in the moment and so dangerous. Then again, I had never been trained like this. The Marauders had always tried to protect me- to shield. How many times had James or Sirius been hit trying to keep me safe? How many blows had they taken so that I could remain unscathed? How many times had I sat on the sidelines, to scared to function, to scared to make a move unless I knew exactly how the odds were calculated.

I made for the door.

I think Barty called after me, however my memory between his and Regulus was a blur. I strode into 12 Grimmauld Place, past his mother who was shouting about Death Eaters breaking down her door. I paid no mind as she sent her house elf after me, him disgruntled and worn and asking for my coat. I threw it at him as I rounded the corner and I heard the sharp crack of him dispensing himself back to the coat room.

In that moment I had a grand plan- I was going to burst through his bedroom door, and I was going to kiss him, then let him do with my mind as he pleased. Any memory, any feeling, nothing barred from him. If he wanted to hex me, to charm me, to even curse me, I was laying myself before him to do as he wished, and I would comply with anything.

But when I came through the door, he was not there. There was simply a folded piece of parchment that he clearly never meant for me to read, as he never took the time to send or finish his thoughts. Some of it was scratched out, but still easy to decipher. He was nothing if not neat in his own demise. 

Peter,

Meet me at the ministry. I have unfinished business to attend and miss your company. ~~I haven’t slept since that night and I am positively manic without you.~~


End file.
